My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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