You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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