This is not my ceiling
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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