oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We have started to decorate penises.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
