Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
