my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Did we literally take a cab across the street
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
