so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
