dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
