I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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