You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
