Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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