Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
