I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you have to choose: penises or morals?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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