There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
