Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
