i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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