I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
