maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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