i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he shaved USA in his pubs
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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