a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
