You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
