Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
