How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
