Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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