Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
