I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
