I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
