I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
