O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
