Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
