If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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