Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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