need another drink. this is the easiest way
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
