did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
