last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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