why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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