I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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