"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
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