Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
