somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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