Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
