then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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