if you like me you must not know who I am
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
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i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?