never play flip cup with pint glasses
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
