he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
