Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
