the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How's work?
Spinning.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I need water and some morals
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
