Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You made out with two different species that night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult