My sheets look like a crime scene.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He kissed a someone with a penis
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i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.