i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
