Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
