I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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