Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
