am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
