dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
