dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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