I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
