Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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